God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
