Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
