She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
