remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
