I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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