Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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