Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
