I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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