Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
