i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
