My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
