Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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