I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
