He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
