every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
