Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
