I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
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