i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
