i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
