yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
