Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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