Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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