Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
