It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
