can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
