I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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