Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
