Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
