Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
