I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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