Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
