This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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