As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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