I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
