I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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