It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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