hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think I won the penis lottery.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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