The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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