Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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