the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
