The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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