Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Randomize
