swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
