i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
