i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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