So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
