i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
