Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
