If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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