Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
